At the rate at which they're being caught with their pants down, few, if any, celebrities will worry about pulling them up anymore.
It's open season as skeletons rattle merrily and make no bones about the fact that they've had a neat scene on the side while their partners were sometimes not looking, but oftentimes fully looking.
The institution of marriage is in high infidelity zone as everyone from footballers to financial top guns, golfers to geeks, and politicians to the pretty people seek their pleasures outside their marriages even as their partners play it down, play for money, play it up, or are indeed busy playing the field themselves.
We've hauled the errant men and, in a few cases, women over the coals, but should we be cutting them some slack and extending concessions given that, as Hugh Hefner of Playboy fame and temperament also recently remarked, monogamy is unnatural? Or is it?
Monopoly of monogamy
Rubbishing the monogamous theory of mankind, filmmaker Karan Johar says, "Monogamy as a state of mind does not exist. Earlier, one reconciled to the idea of monogamy because there were fewer outlets of expression in case one felt emotionally or sexually stifled. In today's urban scenario, our exposure to the outside world is immense and our levels of tolerance have come down, living as we do our lives at a frighteningly frenetic pace. In such a scenario, it'd be foolhardy for anyone to think that everything's hunky-dory in the space of marriage. In my reckoning, in 95 per cent of the marriages there's some degree of mental, emotion or sexual infidelity."
Television actor Smriti Irani, however, doesn't buy this dim view about marriage. "How can you negate something that's worked very well till now? Relationships are not based on random trends and aberrant instances. They're based on trust and friendship. Most people I know have very loving relationships," she argues.
Ask Karan about marriages, where to all outwardly appearances it seems like a perfect union, and he retorts, "Chances are that in this seemingly blissful monogamous existence you've people of alternate sexual orientations trapped in conventional arrangements, or married incumbents who're indifferent and apathetic to the sexual content of their marriage. These are all cases of accidental monogamy where the entire marital set-up is farcical. To my mind, the faithful man is a dinosaur, and his Jurassic Park is not in this universe! "The alpha male's tendencies have more to do with phallic pride and marking one's territory," says amateur filmmaker Debjani Dhaliwal. She adds, "He needs to reinforce his intrinsic animal instinct of fertility by ensuring he's 'wellreceived' by members of the opposite sex. But women aren't lagging either. If a woman finds that her husband is unable to meet her expectations in areas concerning intimacy — emotional, sexual or psychological — rather than go on a spree of chest-beating or blaming destiny, she opts for a simpler, nostrings-attached alternative — a part-time lover of sorts."
The expert view
If cynics scoff at the ease with which monogamy is being dismissed if only to accommodate one's indiscretions and sexually deviant ways, there's biological evidence to support this view too.
Says andrologist and WHO sexual medicine expert Dr Sudhakar Krishnamurti, "Nature and biological scripting did not intend man to be monogamous. Much like most of the animal kingdom, human beings are essentially polygamous. But religious orthodoxy, governmental and marriage laws all got in the way and made us monogamous beings. We may have gotten used to monogamy, but it still is a tightrope walk as we fight off our natural instincts to stay true to this cultural and social imposition."
"Monogamy exists just so that it can stand up to our notions of moral uprightness," says director Onir, who's tackled themes of love and sexuality in his films. "We should have a lot more say in how we want our marriage set-ups to be instead of being forced to follow a model that may not work out in the long run."
Honesty, a lonely word?
Most women, says Karan, know that their spouses are probably getting their kicks elsewhere, but if the husband were to break this news to them, all hell will break loose. "The men go out on business trips and come back laden with gifts for the woman. So many marriages survive as a result of this purchase. Designer brands and capitalist economies thrive on this capitalist guilt purchase. We put too high a premium on fidelity despite our predilection for straying."
Continues Karan, "The worst thing you can do to your marriage is to come clean in the hope that you'd gain some brownie points. You have violated the marital agreement, but you don't need to give her a first hand account of it thinking she'll appreciate your honesty and overlook the transgressions. If that's your way to reduce your guilt quotient, then let it be known that the bedroom is a big giveaway. Extra bursts of sexual energy and going overboard in your affections to complete indifference and disinterest, it's difficult to keep your wanderings a secret. A woman will instinctively know when you've been unfaithful. And chances are she'll leave things be because there's too much to lose by upsetting the arrangement."
He adds, "On the other hand, when you fess up to your amorous deeds, she's forced to take a position, and that often spells ruin."
The way out
Elaborates Onir, "First, we need to get rid of the dirty tag we've attached to sex. We shouldn't be afraid to question conventions. Many a time we're forced to remain in a loveless existence because of the fear that's been drilled deep into us that a marriage is a pact and, come what may, it's for keeps. The reason many people stay put in marriages where the love has all gone out is because that's the only legal way of procreating. Unless it gets the kiss-of-life dose, the institution of marriage is bound to collapse."
Sounding a tad more optimistic, Dr Sudhakar avers, "While marriage is not going to go out of fashion or business anytime soon, there's a need to reinvent it. Now that we've become far more accepting of samesex marriages, live-in relationships, polyamory, and open marriages, we need to perhaps make allowances for the fact that love and loyalty in a marriage can seldom be a given in the times we live in. But if we're talking of moving beyond the confines of the limited space that marriage offers, both the gander and the goose must be given equal leeway. Though men are more prone to adultery needing as they do raw sex, women are also not above cheating. Liberating marriage from the confines of m o n oga my does not mean encouraging or promoting promiscuity and recklessness. It's possible to love more than one person responsibly. I see many of my clients opting for open marriages these days. Whatever works best, I'd say!"
Actor Manisha Koirala, who emphatically says this will be her first and last marriage, has the last word. According to her, it's "totally natural to stay monogamous as there are other important issues in a relationship besides sex."
Now if only everyone would see it her way!
It's open season as skeletons rattle merrily and make no bones about the fact that they've had a neat scene on the side while their partners were sometimes not looking, but oftentimes fully looking.
The institution of marriage is in high infidelity zone as everyone from footballers to financial top guns, golfers to geeks, and politicians to the pretty people seek their pleasures outside their marriages even as their partners play it down, play for money, play it up, or are indeed busy playing the field themselves.
We've hauled the errant men and, in a few cases, women over the coals, but should we be cutting them some slack and extending concessions given that, as Hugh Hefner of Playboy fame and temperament also recently remarked, monogamy is unnatural? Or is it?
Monopoly of monogamy
Rubbishing the monogamous theory of mankind, filmmaker Karan Johar says, "Monogamy as a state of mind does not exist. Earlier, one reconciled to the idea of monogamy because there were fewer outlets of expression in case one felt emotionally or sexually stifled. In today's urban scenario, our exposure to the outside world is immense and our levels of tolerance have come down, living as we do our lives at a frighteningly frenetic pace. In such a scenario, it'd be foolhardy for anyone to think that everything's hunky-dory in the space of marriage. In my reckoning, in 95 per cent of the marriages there's some degree of mental, emotion or sexual infidelity."
Television actor Smriti Irani, however, doesn't buy this dim view about marriage. "How can you negate something that's worked very well till now? Relationships are not based on random trends and aberrant instances. They're based on trust and friendship. Most people I know have very loving relationships," she argues.
Ask Karan about marriages, where to all outwardly appearances it seems like a perfect union, and he retorts, "Chances are that in this seemingly blissful monogamous existence you've people of alternate sexual orientations trapped in conventional arrangements, or married incumbents who're indifferent and apathetic to the sexual content of their marriage. These are all cases of accidental monogamy where the entire marital set-up is farcical. To my mind, the faithful man is a dinosaur, and his Jurassic Park is not in this universe! "The alpha male's tendencies have more to do with phallic pride and marking one's territory," says amateur filmmaker Debjani Dhaliwal. She adds, "He needs to reinforce his intrinsic animal instinct of fertility by ensuring he's 'wellreceived' by members of the opposite sex. But women aren't lagging either. If a woman finds that her husband is unable to meet her expectations in areas concerning intimacy — emotional, sexual or psychological — rather than go on a spree of chest-beating or blaming destiny, she opts for a simpler, nostrings-attached alternative — a part-time lover of sorts."
The expert view
If cynics scoff at the ease with which monogamy is being dismissed if only to accommodate one's indiscretions and sexually deviant ways, there's biological evidence to support this view too.
Says andrologist and WHO sexual medicine expert Dr Sudhakar Krishnamurti, "Nature and biological scripting did not intend man to be monogamous. Much like most of the animal kingdom, human beings are essentially polygamous. But religious orthodoxy, governmental and marriage laws all got in the way and made us monogamous beings. We may have gotten used to monogamy, but it still is a tightrope walk as we fight off our natural instincts to stay true to this cultural and social imposition."
"Monogamy exists just so that it can stand up to our notions of moral uprightness," says director Onir, who's tackled themes of love and sexuality in his films. "We should have a lot more say in how we want our marriage set-ups to be instead of being forced to follow a model that may not work out in the long run."
Honesty, a lonely word?
Most women, says Karan, know that their spouses are probably getting their kicks elsewhere, but if the husband were to break this news to them, all hell will break loose. "The men go out on business trips and come back laden with gifts for the woman. So many marriages survive as a result of this purchase. Designer brands and capitalist economies thrive on this capitalist guilt purchase. We put too high a premium on fidelity despite our predilection for straying."
Continues Karan, "The worst thing you can do to your marriage is to come clean in the hope that you'd gain some brownie points. You have violated the marital agreement, but you don't need to give her a first hand account of it thinking she'll appreciate your honesty and overlook the transgressions. If that's your way to reduce your guilt quotient, then let it be known that the bedroom is a big giveaway. Extra bursts of sexual energy and going overboard in your affections to complete indifference and disinterest, it's difficult to keep your wanderings a secret. A woman will instinctively know when you've been unfaithful. And chances are she'll leave things be because there's too much to lose by upsetting the arrangement."
He adds, "On the other hand, when you fess up to your amorous deeds, she's forced to take a position, and that often spells ruin."
The way out
Elaborates Onir, "First, we need to get rid of the dirty tag we've attached to sex. We shouldn't be afraid to question conventions. Many a time we're forced to remain in a loveless existence because of the fear that's been drilled deep into us that a marriage is a pact and, come what may, it's for keeps. The reason many people stay put in marriages where the love has all gone out is because that's the only legal way of procreating. Unless it gets the kiss-of-life dose, the institution of marriage is bound to collapse."
Sounding a tad more optimistic, Dr Sudhakar avers, "While marriage is not going to go out of fashion or business anytime soon, there's a need to reinvent it. Now that we've become far more accepting of samesex marriages, live-in relationships, polyamory, and open marriages, we need to perhaps make allowances for the fact that love and loyalty in a marriage can seldom be a given in the times we live in. But if we're talking of moving beyond the confines of the limited space that marriage offers, both the gander and the goose must be given equal leeway. Though men are more prone to adultery needing as they do raw sex, women are also not above cheating. Liberating marriage from the confines of m o n oga my does not mean encouraging or promoting promiscuity and recklessness. It's possible to love more than one person responsibly. I see many of my clients opting for open marriages these days. Whatever works best, I'd say!"
Actor Manisha Koirala, who emphatically says this will be her first and last marriage, has the last word. According to her, it's "totally natural to stay monogamous as there are other important issues in a relationship besides sex."
Now if only everyone would see it her way!
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